Tag Archives: Satire

Saudi Condemns ISIS for Lack of “Beheading Etiquette”

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A Scimitar: the traditional curved sword of the cultured beheader.

RIYADH  –  Saudi Arabia has launched a scathing attack on the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, claiming the terror group lacks “beheading etiquette”. In a statement released today, the Kingdom, which has beheaded more than 150 people this year, says comparisons between itself and ISIS are “absurd” and an insult to the sophistication employed by the Saudi state when it publicly decapitates people.

In order to counter this criticism, the Saudi government has established a Department of Beheading Decorum (DBD). The DBD is headquartered in the capital of Riyadh, adjacent to the Ministry for the Execution of Witches and Apostates, and the Special Office for the Flogging of Bloggers. It is tasked with insuring that beheadings are carried out in a manner that is “civilised”, following a “fair and just trial” in an official Sharia Kangaroo court.

“These militants have no class,” says Abdullah al-Saud, head of the newly formed DBD. “They blatantly disregard tradition and protocol. When they behead, they callously use butcher knives instead of meticulously-sharpened swords! Outrageous! Why hasn’t the UN intervened?” He continued, “Instead of keeping the affair personal – between friends, family and the domestic population that must be intimidated into subservience – they post their executions on the internet. I mean, we all enjoy the occasional crucifixion, but must you broadcast it to the world? What is this, Instagram?”

In response, ISIS spokesperson Abu-Musa bin Farouq al-Kuwaiti initially withheld comment, citing concern over whether “biting the hand that feeds you is halaal”. Eventually, al-Kuwaiti responded with an air of disappointment, saying that the Saudis, who exported the puritanical, fundamentalist brand of Wahhabi Islam upon which ISIS thrives, are “extravagant in the administration of the Sharia we share, have chosen the side of the West and the Crusaders, and are therefore infidels.”

Another anonymous source in the DBD concurred with al-Saud’s assessment, saying that while the Kingdom bears striking similarities to ISIS, the distinguishing factor must be etiquette. “Let’s be honest here,” he said with a laugh, “We have a fascist theocracy that can treat women as second-class citizens. We can respond to dissent with public torture, behead migrants for non-violent offenses, and criminalise thought that doesn’t agree with our ideology. We’ve even made it illegal to openly practise anything other than Islam within our borders and we have a religious police that forces Wahhabism on the citizenry. Look at all the nice things we can have because we are sophisticated! We are a first class dictatorship, yet we are the head of the UN Human Rights Council. We’ve killed more civilians in Yemen than Israel did last year in Gaza – yet still: no boycotts, no divestments, no sanctions. The US has even approved the sale of another 1.3 billion dollars worth of arms to us! We are a shining example to fascists and fundamentalists around the world – that if you want to continue being fascists and fundamentalists, simply be cultured about it.”

After a long pause he added, “And perhaps this all has something to do with our oil.” At the mention of the o-word, he stared wistfully into space, then shifted uncomfortably in an attempt to conceal his arousal, before excusing himself to his office to polish his sword.

Additional reporting by J. Paul Sartire

[A rather obvious disclaimer: this article is not intended to be taken as factual reporting and is SATIRE. The same cannot be said unfortunately for the similarities between the ideology and policies of ISIS and those of Saudi Arabia.]

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ISIS Discovers Namesake with Egyptian Deity; Executes Itself

ISIS

Isis: Ancient Egyptian Goddess, believed to be mother of Horus and protector of children and the dead

Mosul, Iraq: The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), an offshoot of Al-Qaeda in Iraq, has self-destructed after discovering that it shares a name with an Ancient Egyptian Goddess. The group, which holds swathes of territory in Syria and is now engaged in a battle for Iraq with President Nouri Al Maliki’s forces, had carved out new lows for human rights abuse this week and was gaining momentum when the revelation of the link stopped it in its tracks.

The conundrum arose when a young jihadi in the initial stages of the ceremonial brainwashing process had found himself in “infidel corners of the web”, said group spokesperson Mahmoud al-Shakawi. The Isis of Egyptian Antiquity was in fact revered as a “friend of slaves, sinners and the downtrodden”, as well as the protector of children and the dead-as the misguided youth soon discovered. This “flies in the face of everything ISIS stands for”, asserted al-Shakawi, who expressed his dismay at simply being associated with the polytheistic deity by unceremoniously spitting on the ground each time the name was mentioned.

Professor Ahmed Damagh, who heads Cairo University’s Neurobiology Department, said that the contradiction between the group’s identity and twisted ideals had effectively set off an infinite feedback loop in their neurons. Damagh said that this has begun over-burdening their pre-frontal cortices, which are responsible for higher order thinking and had been unused for years in the case of many ISIS fighters. The neurobiological traffic has resulted in the abrupt shut-down of an increasing number of militants, as they continue to collapse like (to borrow Professor Damagh’s analogy) the Chituari at the climax of Marvel’s The Avengers.

“Of course it is irrational for our brains to abruptly execute our bodies-but rationality when faced with the opportunity for execution is an atheist plot”, Al-Shakawi said towards the end of our interview. He continued, “On top of that blasphemous association, this Isis so-called-god [spits] is a woman…and you know how absolutely…terrified we are of women.” The realization of the Freudian Slip was clearly too much for the former spokesperson, as he soon after dropped to the ground while mumbling something about feminism being Pagan witchcraft.

(Additional reporting by J. Paul Sartire)

[A rather obvious disclaimer: this piece is SATIRE and is not intended to be taken as a factual report (I’m looking at you Fox News)]