Mosul, Iraq: The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), an offshoot of Al-Qaeda in Iraq, has self-destructed after discovering that it shares a name with an Ancient Egyptian Goddess. The group, which holds swathes of territory in Syria and is now engaged in a battle for Iraq with President Nouri Al Maliki’s forces, had carved out new lows for human rights abuse this week and was gaining momentum when the revelation of the link stopped it in its tracks.
The conundrum arose when a young jihadi in the initial stages of the ceremonial brainwashing process had found himself in “infidel corners of the web”, said group spokesperson Mahmoud al-Shakawi. The Isis of Egyptian Antiquity was in fact revered as a “friend of slaves, sinners and the downtrodden”, as well as the protector of children and the dead-as the misguided youth soon discovered. This “flies in the face of everything ISIS stands for”, asserted al-Shakawi, who expressed his dismay at simply being associated with the polytheistic deity by unceremoniously spitting on the ground each time the name was mentioned.
Professor Ahmed Damagh, who heads Cairo University’s Neurobiology Department, said that the contradiction between the group’s identity and twisted ideals had effectively set off an infinite feedback loop in their neurons. Damagh said that this has begun over-burdening their pre-frontal cortices, which are responsible for higher order thinking and had been unused for years in the case of many ISIS fighters. The neurobiological traffic has resulted in the abrupt shut-down of an increasing number of militants, as they continue to collapse like (to borrow Professor Damagh’s analogy) the Chituari at the climax of Marvel’s The Avengers.
“Of course it is irrational for our brains to abruptly execute our bodies-but rationality when faced with the opportunity for execution is an atheist plot”, Al-Shakawi said towards the end of our interview. He continued, “On top of that blasphemous association, this Isis so-called-god [spits] is a woman…and you know how absolutely…terrified we are of women.” The realization of the Freudian Slip was clearly too much for the former spokesperson, as he soon after dropped to the ground while mumbling something about feminism being Pagan witchcraft.
(Additional reporting by J. Paul Sartire)
[A rather obvious disclaimer: this piece is SATIRE and is not intended to be taken as a factual report (I’m looking at you Fox News)]